Love and romance are two different things that married people should understand. Of course, you need not be married before you understand the difference.
We are to love everyone but we are not to have a romantic relationship with everyone. So when I say I love you, I don't necessarily mean that I want a romantic relationship with you. Though that's the way the world sees it but people of understanding need to know that better.
Love is needed in every relationship. It isn't a feeling, it is a show of responsibility. It is expressed differently in different situations and relationships. A man loves his son and loves his wife too, but what love of a father means is different from what the love of a husband mean. The expression of love from a father to his daughter is different from the expression of love from the man to his wife. That's why we don't easily call the love of parents to their children as romantic, even if the responsibility is big even bigger sometimes than that of the intimate relationships they may have.
Romance is for marriage. It is one of the responsibilities of the marital relationship. It must never be undermined. It's absence should be questioned. It should be inspired by love. It is the unique way marital relationship exhibits or expresses love.
It's common, particularly in regions where open display of romance isn't a culture for people to claim to love their spouses without having any romantic experiences with them. In such cultures, responsibility of the marital relationship is centered only around making provision, providing security and leadership from the man and showing respect for the man and his people, home making, child bearing and upbringing and so on from the woman, which may be devoid of any act or words of endearment.
Meanwhile, all sorts of romantic moves and endearment are shown during courtship particularly from the man, soon after marriage such disappears, supposedly to face more serious issues.
Marriage then looks like a contractual arrangement that has no soul. It is then seen and operated as a set of duties and responsibilities that may coexist with abuse and negative emotions like malice, fights etc.
For instance, you can have a man who leaves home 5am and returns 10pm without a call but provides adequately for the home, claim to love his wife because he does his 'duties'.
But marital union is more that doing certain duties recommended by society. You just don't need a cashcow as a woman, neither do you just need a housekeeper as a man. You really want emotional health and well-being that should be provided only by the most intimate person to your heart and soul.
You want to be happy and be at peace. You want laughter and joy. You want to be touched and to be cuddled. You don't want silent and cold treatment. You want to talk and empty your mind to a listening mind. You want to play and throw banters. You want to tease and be teased. You want an environment private to you where you can be free to be all you desire and be a child again. And these desires aren't just for a woman. Because these are the things we have been made to believe, that only women wants such things. But such mentalities are archaic. They were only fit for those days when wars were rough and frequent. When women had to stay back home to watch over the home, the farms and the kids and men go to war not having time to play. These days things are more organized and we can be who we're made to be.
To say that men don't want romance is to deny how we were originally wired. Yes, we may have been conditioned to deaden our instinct of marital romance and replace it with the sense of responsibility to provide for the home, but we can't deny the fact that we were so created and wired to be romantic beings.
And it's not a wonder that lots of men who don't show their romantic sides in their marriages do so outside their marriages in adulterous relationships that ruin them. Why is this so? Because romance is seeing as only useful in wooing a woman, not in keeping her. So, it isn't a meal for the woman already married but for those such men aren't married to. And so what's meant to strengthen the relationship between a husband and wife is used to create unfaithfulness to one another. Because as the man is flirting with other women, so also other men are with flirting his wife because to them, 'flirting' isn't for marriage even if the instincts are hard to kill.
But that's not right and we all know it. But because we won't put romance and flirting where they were made for, we create societal complications that create emotional hurts that are transferred to generations after hard to heal.
Now, the Bible in describing adultery, calls it the stolen water that's sweet but eventually kills...
[My Offline Bible] Proverbs 9
17. Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. 18. But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell.
That's it with people who take romance out of marriage to express it outside of it, neglecting their spouses and opening them up for unnecessary temptations.
Now, sex isn't what romance is all about. You can have non romantic sex and still have dozens of children out of the dry copulations. Sex without romance is just an exercise of ejaculation that leaves pains and regrets behind.
Romance is also not a rampant expression of libido and lewdness. It is rather an expression of marital love and commitment to whatever length needed, in readiness for any required sacrifice without flinching. It is a show of sensuality but not inspired by mere sensuality. It isn't infatuation that lacks commitment, solidity and reliability. It is a show of endearment with the backing of unconditional love.
While selfish libido often leads many into romance, it is such that will leave hatred and rejection behind. [My Offline Bible] 2 Samuel 13
14. Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her. 15. Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.
(If you aren't familiar with that story please read it up, so much to learn about how people are motivated by their libido to take advantage of others sexually.)
That's not the kind of romance or love we are speaking about here. Such is evil. It is called sexual immorality. And a reason why marriage and its commitments are necessary before romance and sex should come in, to avoid being taken advantage of, used and dumped in shame and regret. It's now not commonly accepted to be chaste till marriage anymore but that hasn't reduced the incidents of people taking advantage of others to use them to satisfy their carnal sexual lusts. And we discover daily that promises to marry aren't even enough to stop people using others.
Even in marriage, romance shouldn't always end in sex, the world of a married couple is supposed to be of romance either when present with each other or not. It is meant to be an unending rollercoaster of romance, sex or no sex.
Romance actually starts with thoughts. It's actually a thing of the mind. If the mind is not in alignment, the body won't recognize or respond to stimuli. A hurt in the heart made by your spouse won't readily permit romantic thoughts to grow in the mind and romantic frigidity is the result. Every overture will lead to more anger. Every touch will be irritating and every word, no matter how endearing won't inspire faith because of the hurt occupying the heart. You can't be frustrating your spouse in actions and words in the living room and get into the bedroom seeking romantic attention. It won't work. It's not your bedroom light which you can switch on and off by a click.
When love is entrenched in a marital relationship, with both seeking the best for one another with the readiness to make sacrifices for the good of the other and the union, even within their imperfections, romance will be easy. When love is properly engrained, you will hardly be able to afford leaving each other, so that when you have to depart, the minds are filled with the thoughts of one another till you meet again, and being together you'll hardly be able to take your hands off each other... This isn't just to woo or for premarital courtship, it is even more appropriate now that you are married. The wedding or the kids coming should never put an end to love and romance in marriage.
Rekindle the fire right away by a text message and see what happens after. I'd not mentioned the place of words and communication in igniting romance, we'll deal with that some other time.
For now, let's do it... Ignite the fire and keep it burning, tap into the joy God has given you in marriage and live a new and happy life!
Have a romantic weekend!
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