The complexity of Forgiving Me

The complexity of Forgiving Me!
I had hurt a beloved. All sorts had gathered to push me to. My head rang with the song of Bob Marley. 'I shot the sheriff...but I did it in self defense'. My advocate said I should shut up and say nothing, he'll talk for me. My crowd are ready to fight for me, they trusted me. Witnesses could not prove I did it, at least not intentionally.  The judge couldn't pin it on me. I should be uappy but I'm not. The one hurt wouldn't talk, making things worse. That one too may be pitying me for all the troubles, who knows? Isn't that what love ought to do? And I should be happy things are going my way. But I am not!
My conscience flogs me. Even when God has forgiven me. The blows so heavy I wonder why no one hears, the pains piercing I wonder why the blood won't flow to show. And I should run away from it but I won't. It isn't enough for what I did. My conscience smites me. What would I pay to atone for my mistake? What would take my guilt away? I justify the guilt, the pain is right since I was wrong.
I cry. Deep, painful cry as Peter did when the cock crowed. Who will forgive me? Where is my acquiter? Where is my justifier? Who will tell me I wasn't wrong and would be right to me? Even if the gavel lands with freedom for me from the courts of men, will I ever let it be in the court within me? To me, the full course of 'their laws' isn't good enough to pay for  my sin even if I had pleaded 'not guilty'.
Did I plead not guilty? May be I only echoed what I was told to say, do I believe that really? I doubt. So in court I wept and yet not enough. I wept for the one I'd hurt, the one I love.
If it had been another who had done this and not me, I would be there to fight such to submission and made him pay to his last rand. So I fight and I really would submit to anything. I did what no one should do. I want to pay.
But what would I pay? What can I pay? The other crowd wants me to pay, maybe I'm really on their side inside me. Aren't they right? Because I am ready to pay. Then they overheard my pains and readiness to pay much more than they demanded. They backed out. Watch that man, he may inflict more pain on himself than what we want. We need him. They want me counseled. And the counsellor said 'Son, pls forgive yourself'
Is this a joke? How would that ever be. How would I forgive myself when it's obvious what I did? I wish to punish myself forever and I'm sure many won't mind. He said again, 'Son, pls you have to forgive yourself!' And I cry the more.
How do you know I hurt? Can you feel the blows within me? What will atone for my sin? Someone has to pay? I am ready to pay. He replied, 'Son, yes, someone has to pay, but you won't be the one to dictate what to be paid, Let the law help you, but you have to permit that by first taking yourself out of the law courts of your heart and let yourself be here'
I kept crying, but I did what I shouldn't do. How I wish they would let me inflict the pain to pay till I'm satisfied even if it would drain all life? But the counsellor won't let me. He said the world needs me and my purpose wasn't to die for a mistake I made. He said I wasn't born to make the mistake and dying to pay for it pays no one and would fulfil no purpose that benefits the world and I would have deprived the world of what good is left in me.
Yet I felt shortchanged and it's hard forgiving myself. I only felt I deserve the pain. But now I would still pay. I'll do by living to be a blessing and hurt no one no more. The counsellor told me someone took the fall for me and paid for my error. He knew I would make the mistake, He knew everyone would make the mistake and so He paid upfront and now there is no more condemnation for me if I walk with the counsellor. Now I can submit to the law and whatever sentence would be good enough.
When I accepted what the counsellor said, and believe in what His Friend paid, my conscience stopped the blows and the pain subsided and I can live again but now missing the friend that I had hurt. But we'll meet again to hurt no more! We remain friends forever!
What a miracle it was to forgive myself. What a joy to feel loved again and what great desire to love again. When we learn to forgive ourselves by accepting God's forgiveness we live for a better course that brings true meaning to our lives and enriches life for others to enjoy. Forgiving self maybe complex and would be fought by those who wants vengeance but we would need it when it is all over to face life and be a better person on the path of fulfilling life's purpose. Good morning! Share this and keep visiting evansademanuel.blogspot.com and learn what the Counsellor said, forgive yourself!
-To all hurting under the pain of 'justifiable' self-condemnation for hurting those they really loved- We all have been there, every true love has been there!